TV Highlights Tonight

WILL'S CAMP (Five, 7.30pm)

New Series. (1/6) Brand new sitcom from the makers of Bob The Dog-Bummer about popstar Will Young travelling to a parallel dimension where Nazi concentration camps are a thing of the present.

In this first episode, a bemused Will unwittingly stumbles into the hands of the Nazis after a rip in the space-time continuum occurs when he sings a J note whilst ironing the toaster. Once shackled in the death camp, Will is subjected to horrific, yet comic, near-death beatings. Luckily though, he befriends a kind, weary man named Robot Bill and they immediately decide to hatch a daring (and quite brilliant) escape plan involving 12 feet of rubber tubing, a tub of KY jelly, Bill Oddie's underpants and one HELL of an iron will. However, things don't go according to plan when Robot Bill's pet monkey takes a shine to Will's cock. Mayhem and malarkey ensue as Will frantically tries to evade the horny, little monkey's sword of love.

A treat for the kids from start to finish as relentless torture, vomit-inducing rape and inhumane defiling are all given a slapstick makeover. Fawlty Towers meets the Holocaust.

Fat sod near death after swallowing hippo

A big, fat child is today contemplating the news of his imminent death after he accidentally swallowed a hippo at the Flamingo Land theme park in North Yorkshire, England.

Tubby McTwat-Tits (pictured left, eyeing up a juicy cow) is believed to have less than 48 hours to live, according to leading science-guy, Dr. Oh Baby.

"He has swallowed something he shouldn't have," Dr. Oh Baby explained. "It's quite common, actually, for fat kids to accidentally eat large, wild animals. They can be munching on a tasty burger, suddenly lose concentration and start eating badgers, kangaroos, elephants, llamas, dragons, sharks and, in this case, hippos. It is a problem."

Tubby, 13, is understandably upset by the whole ordeal.

"It's not fair," McTwat-Tits beefed, like a little, fat girl. "I lost my concentration for a few seconds. I was minding my own business, chowing down my greasy beef, and before I knew it, I'd eaten a hippopotamus. Now I've only got a couple of days to live. It's not good."

Tubby's actual death will be an horrendous ordeal with much blood, screaming, faeces and cries of 'I love you, Mummy!'. This is mainly due to the partly digested corpse of a shit-kicking hippo coming out of Tubby's smelly bottom.

Tributes have been pouring in for the poor idiot. A few have been selected and shown below.

"You hang on in there, Tubby. My son swallowed a car once and he made it. It was only a Mini but that's still pretty big. And made of metal." Ian Wah-Wah Pedal, Falkirk.

"We'll be thinking of you when you're shitting that huge, wild animal out of your arse and it tears your anus like cheap toilet paper. You're so brave. And fat." Pat Criminal-Record, Birmingham.

"Minge." John Cackface, Liverpool.

Penis thief strikes again

West Yorkshire Police are today dealing with the latest in a series of penis robbery attacks.

The sixth reported victim, Joe Baxter (pictured left), was left virtually speechless and totally devastated after he was told that his nob would almost certainly never be properly recovered.

"I just want my willy back," a teary Baxter said.

Bob Willysnatchbumshag, a spokesman for West Yorkshire Police, today announced that the perpetrator known as 'The Cocknapper' was close to being caught.

"He's getting more and more desperate, and his attacks are becoming more frequent," Willysnatchbumshag said. "His cock will be around 40 inches long now, so as soon as he sees a decent pair of pins or a badass set of tits, we'll be able to snare him immediately."

Little is actually known about 'The Cocknapper' - apart from the fact that he attacks his victims for the sole purpose of stealing their penises in order to add to his own rod. Victims are left distraught, ashamed and unable to comprehend a future with no meat-cannon.

Police have issued a warning to all men in the West Yorkshire region:

"We strongly advise all men to be extremely vigilant during this dangerous time. It is of the utmost importance that everyone knows what the perpetrator looks like. He is around 6' 2", has a scar on his left cheek and is thought to be dangerous and impulsive. He also has a huge nob."

American bus driver turns into dog

It has been confirmed by my source that at approximately 10.30am on the morning of Friday 8th September, veteran school bus driver Bill Kowalski turned into a dog.

The transformation occurred while Bill (or Fido as some of the children now call him) was driving the school bus to the Spain Elementary school in Detroit, Michigan.

Seat-sniffing student Dean Shitbox, 10, witnessed the change first-hand as he boarded the bus after it had stopped outside his house. He decided to take a picture of poor, old Bill (above) with his mobile phone.

According to the flustered pupil, the doors opened and a smiling Bill simply transformed into a golden retriever.

"It was weird. I can't explain it," Shitbox explained. "The door opened like it normally does and Bill was there, smiling just like he normally does. Then he became a dog."

Bill, 54 ( or 378 in dog years), is baffled by the whole ordeal.

"It's not something I expected," he said. "Sure, sometimes you open your lunchbox and find you've got a tuna-mayo sandwich when you asked for cheese and ham. You know, stuff like that happens sometimes. Today, I turned into a dog - it's a new one on me, I can tell ya!"

Though Bill sees the funny side to this weird event, his wife, Pam Kowalski, is not laughing.

"I don't see how this could possibly be taken as a joke, " Mrs. Kowalski said. "His breath smells like a tramp's dick and he keeps licking his balls like they're coated in sugar."

Mrs. Kowalski is also worried about Bill's sudden dependency on her and the constraints it brings.

"I can't leave him alone in the backyard anymore," she continued. "If I take my eyes off him for two seconds, he'll start eating his own shit or wiping his ass on the grass like some weird remote-controlled lawnmower. It's just horrible."

The Kowalskis are trying to adapt to this strange new development in their already bizarre family history.

Just four years ago, Bill's brother, Tom, turned into a cow for no apparent reason.

A survery of 100 people was conducted in the town where Bill and his family hail from about what everyone thought were the causes of their unexplained transformations. The results are shown below and are, to be quite honest, worrying.

Causes of the 'Kowalski Curse'?

Government conspiracy - 43%
Infected meat / food - 23%
Drug abuse - 18%
Bill's neighbour (who dabbles in black magic) - 4%
He turned into a dog - 0.5%*
* (the 0.5% denotes a seriously mentally-retarded person. I'm not joking, he was THICK)
Weird poo - 8%
Bad sex - 1%
Good sex - 1%
Ricky Martin - 1%

Blair regrets 'Building Bridges Binge' with protesters

Tony Blair sheepishly emerged from Downing Street this morning after an eventful, yet tarnished, night on the town with anti-war protestors.

The Prime Minister was snapped with an obscene word written on his forehead in permanent marker (pictured left). Presumably, this was the drunken result of a difference of opinion with some of the protesters.

Mr. Blair was taking part in the 'Building Bridges Binge' project - a concept cooked up by the government in order to try and create some sort of unification between politicians and protesters by getting them all wankered.

However, as many bearded men had predicted, it all went tits-up. At around 1.00am, the Prime Minister supposedly passed out after reportedly snorting several shots of vodka out of a transsexual's belly button in a club known as "Lady Boys 'r' Us". He was then escorted by police to Downing Street at around 3.30am after officers saw him throwing dog shit at a local kebab shop.

As soon as he stepped outside his door at 8.00am this morning, he was mercilessly bombarded with questions about the previous night. He replied by breaking much wind and vomitting pink chunks of sloppy meat all over his ugly wife.

"I have to say I regret last night," he eventually commented. "However, I feel that I am not in the wrong. I did my best to build some bridges with those cretinous, piss-soaked hippies," he tearily protested. "I appreciate that my hands smell of dog shit and my nose is the colour of a whore's minge but I genuinely thought I was beginning to develop a universal understanding between politicians and protesters."

Mr. Blair then quickly retired back into his humble abode which one reporter (who was in close proximity) claimed smelt like a Belgian flophouse and looked like a big bowl of sick.

This will surely go down as the definitive low point of Blair's political career and will certainly not help the relationship the government has with anti-war protesters.

He'll stink of shit for a while as well.

Breaking news!! Ecuador unveils new President

The people of Ecuador were in a state of consternation today as Devastatin' Dave was named as their new President, following Alfredo Palacio's surprise resignation.

Mr. Dave, 52, (pictured left) was delighted to be in charge of such a colourful country.

"I just wanna say that a-zippy-zap-zap I'm close to a heart attack," he answered when asked how he was feeling.

"I'm gonna ch-ch-ch-chill and kick-b-back-back with a motherf**king six-pack and a pipe o' crack ," he explained.

However, he quickly pointed out that the impromptu 'rhyme' was a joke (and one in bad taste considering the sixty-three field mice that died from bad crack earlier this week) and he maintained his stance that 'crack was whack'.

'The Turntable Slave', as he was known, was most famous for his anti-drugs song Zip Zap Rap, which Brian Blessed described as 'deliciously bang'.

There were concerns amidst Mr. Dave's constant rapping that he would actually be physically unable to stop his street rhyming. "We are a little concerned," said Miguel Sanchez, a government figure, "but we are confident that it will soon stop."

Mr. Dave also promised great things for the people of Ecuador in the near future. He announced that the sunglasses he donned for his unveiling had magical powers and could summon huge pigs and dancing chickens en masse. This is just considered to be typical spin but his aide is adamant of his powers.

"You better watch that Devastatin' motherf**ker when he pulls his shit outta the bag," his aide, Derrix 2 Gorgeous, commented. "You know you better be somewhere else! Pigs and chickens are just the beginning, man. Shit, we got Giant Connect 4 and flying hippos on the motherf**king way, too!"

Mr. Dave certainly seems like he's going to be a popular figure among the good people of Ecuador. However, only time will tell.

You can sample a slice of his history with his 'bang' song "Zip Zap Rap" by clicking on this goddamn crazy link - http://ttslave.ytmnd.com/

TV Tonight, 5th Sep 06

9.45pm (C4), The Hanging Of Shakin’ Stevens

Nigel Turkeybanger presents live coverage of the vain attempt by shit Welsh singer Shakin’ Stevens to actually create an ounce of publicity for his new album How To Be A Talentless Twat & Still Make Money by snapping his rubbish neck. “Karl Kennedy” from Neighbours will be the guest executioner. This programme may contain scenes of turkey-fucking and death.

Greetings, fellow fact-finders

Hello to anyone fadged enough to have found their way to the site that the fatcats of this world want to shut down. I, like you all, want the REAL news. The news that matters. The stuff that happens to Ghetto Bob and Funky Cheese. The info that is kept from us because it's just too goddamn monged to be heard by anyone with eyes.

My source is a man so secret, he doesn't actually exist. He does not physically exist. Trying to get in contact with him is harder than Noel Edmonds watching animal porn.

Providing I'm not struck down by an angry bin or cut in two by a bowl of jelly, I'll post the news that doesn't get broadcast by those crypto-fascist TV networks.

So, cool the cucumbers, put the shark to bed and prepare to get so monged that you'll find you can fly with the headlines that are no longer "hush-hush" - more "Kate Bush".

Anyway, midnight is nearing and so are the wolves with their oppressive dildo beating sticks. So, sadly, I'll have to cease transmission until next week.

Keep it silly.