American bus driver turns into dog

It has been confirmed by my source that at approximately 10.30am on the morning of Friday 8th September, veteran school bus driver Bill Kowalski turned into a dog.

The transformation occurred while Bill (or Fido as some of the children now call him) was driving the school bus to the Spain Elementary school in Detroit, Michigan.

Seat-sniffing student Dean Shitbox, 10, witnessed the change first-hand as he boarded the bus after it had stopped outside his house. He decided to take a picture of poor, old Bill (above) with his mobile phone.

According to the flustered pupil, the doors opened and a smiling Bill simply transformed into a golden retriever.

"It was weird. I can't explain it," Shitbox explained. "The door opened like it normally does and Bill was there, smiling just like he normally does. Then he became a dog."

Bill, 54 ( or 378 in dog years), is baffled by the whole ordeal.

"It's not something I expected," he said. "Sure, sometimes you open your lunchbox and find you've got a tuna-mayo sandwich when you asked for cheese and ham. You know, stuff like that happens sometimes. Today, I turned into a dog - it's a new one on me, I can tell ya!"

Though Bill sees the funny side to this weird event, his wife, Pam Kowalski, is not laughing.

"I don't see how this could possibly be taken as a joke, " Mrs. Kowalski said. "His breath smells like a tramp's dick and he keeps licking his balls like they're coated in sugar."

Mrs. Kowalski is also worried about Bill's sudden dependency on her and the constraints it brings.

"I can't leave him alone in the backyard anymore," she continued. "If I take my eyes off him for two seconds, he'll start eating his own shit or wiping his ass on the grass like some weird remote-controlled lawnmower. It's just horrible."

The Kowalskis are trying to adapt to this strange new development in their already bizarre family history.

Just four years ago, Bill's brother, Tom, turned into a cow for no apparent reason.

A survery of 100 people was conducted in the town where Bill and his family hail from about what everyone thought were the causes of their unexplained transformations. The results are shown below and are, to be quite honest, worrying.

Causes of the 'Kowalski Curse'?

Government conspiracy - 43%
Infected meat / food - 23%
Drug abuse - 18%
Bill's neighbour (who dabbles in black magic) - 4%
He turned into a dog - 0.5%*
* (the 0.5% denotes a seriously mentally-retarded person. I'm not joking, he was THICK)
Weird poo - 8%
Bad sex - 1%
Good sex - 1%
Ricky Martin - 1%