Tangerine furious at being called 'Satsuma' by thick woman

A shocked mother of two is today contemplating life behind bars after a tangerine reported her to police for a vicious verbal attack.

The young tangerine (seen with his buddies, left) claimed that Patricia Hodge, 39, referred to him as a "bloody satsuma" whilst shopping with her husband.

Police later confirmed that the incident was now considered to be a race-hate crime.

"We can't ignore something as serious as this," Det. Inspector Wadsworth explained. "We live in a society that does not tolerate this kind of racial segregation. Mrs. Hodge's remark was very non-PC and extremely thick."

The offended tangerine described how it had been abused racially, and sometimes sexually, and decided that enough was enough.

"For the past couple of weeks, I've put up with people touching me and calling me 'shitty satsuma' and 'f**king mandarin-wannabe' and, quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I'm a pure tangerine and proud of it. People should call me by my rightful name. I will not be subjected to these racial slurs."

When confronted by the press, Mrs. Hodge insisted that she meant no harm.

"I apologise wholeheartedly to the tangerine," she protested. "I sincerely did not realise that it was a tangerine and not a satsuma. I suppose I didn't fully consider the fruit's feelings."

There has been public outcry following the incident, calling for Mrs. Hodge to be "made an example of", though she maintains her stance that she is not a bastard racist.

"Let me just say that I am not one of those xenophobic thugs that you see on the news," she explained. "I am a hard-working mother of two and what I said was a genuine slip of the tongue. I cannot apologise enough."

Mrs. Hodge will learn her fate once the "Tangerine Race-Hate" trial, which starts tomorrow morning, finishes in approximately two weeks.

I think I speak for tangerines everywhere when I say "Fry the bitch! Fry her 'til there's foam coming out her mouth!"

"Tangerines affected by this story can call a free helpline on 0800 555666. Come on, don't suffer in silence.

BeaverBoyz close to split after 'Bumfights' scandal

Hot Dutch trio, The Beaverboyz, are on the verge of an acrimonious split following an enormous fall-out with their manager, Ronald Van Boink. The whole ordeal is undoubtedly linked with the recently published internet pictures showing two of the members participating in 'Bumfighting' - an illegal sport whereby crowds place bets on hopeless tramps as they participate in mortal combat so savage it would make even a gypsy physically sick.

Shamed members CJ, 26, and BJ, 28, were clearly snapped "cheering" the smelly bin-dwellers on as they fought their primal battle to the death. The pair, however, protested their innocence. They claimed that they were there to put a stop to the proceedings and maintained that the cash they held in their palms was there only as an incentive for the tramps to lure them away from the fights.

"We were trying to get the smelly bin-people away from the fighting by waving our sexy money in front of their beards. We were not there for the gambling nor the blood. BJ and I are innocent and sexy," CJ explained. "And if you don't believe me, you can piss on your mother's cock."

Once Van Boink had seen the disgraceful pictures on FunkyWank.net, he called a meeting. Though the exact content of the meeting is unknown, it was confirmed that BJ was ejected from the meeting for calling Van Boink a "fat barrel of monkey spunk".

The other member of the trio, TJ, gave a public address immediately after the volatile meeting. He stated that while The BeaverBoyz were still committed to singing and "making lots of sex with many sexy people", there were considerable doubts over their immediate future.

"I just don't know what's going to happen," TJ emotionally announced. "BJ and CJ have a problem - we can see that. They were once innocent little boys, doing anal with whores of crack and smoking big drugs - now they have slipped off the path. We can bring them back. We must."

Little is known about the future of The BeaverBoyz but if they do manage to stay together, things will almost certainly never be the same again.

The Beaverboyz' new single Funk My Sex is due out on Monday.