Bakery horror novel to make it to silver screen

British cult horror author, Donald Zygon, is to have one of his many novels brought to life on the big screen.

Eaglestab, the tale of a village bakery terrorised by a phantom bird of prey, is to begin production in late 2007, and Zygon is very excited.

“I’m so pleased that Eaglestab is to be realised in live action film,” Zygon said. “It’s fantastical and vivid, yet cautious and undeniably prophetic; it would suit the silver screen to a T.”

Zygon’s novel, written almost nine years ago, is now his best-selling to date and speculation is rife as to who will play the hero bakery owner, Wally Wimpleton. Recent rumours have suggested that it will be Richard Briers or, failing that, Rodney from Emmerdale. And it’ll probably be the latter because Patrick Mower, who plays Rodney from Emmerdale, is so desperate and deep in financial trouble that he’s trawling all the local pubs and licking piss off the urinals for money.

Whoever plays Wally Wimpleton, the film is almost certain to be a success thanks to its spellbinding plot.

Eaglestab told the story of bakery owner Wimpleton and his battle with the malevolent spirit of a psychotic eagle which attacked the bread shop seemingly arbitrarily. It was eventually revealed that the ghostly bird was trying to get to her dead ghost babies which were buried deep underneath the bakery.

One of the book’s greatest moments is largely considered to be when, just before spectacularly setting fire to the cursed bakery, Wimpleton coolly announces, “This bakery is toast.”

When asked if this immortal line was going to be in the film version, Zygon replied very positively.

“How could I leave that beast of a line out?” Zygon asked. “It’s up there with ‘I’ll be back’ and ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it’.”

Eaglestab is expected for release in early 2009.

Donald Zygon’s latest novel, Shower-Locker Wolfman: Homosexual Horror Love, is out now and available in all good bookshops.

Drug-dealing shark caught red-finned after speeding

A great white shark that moonlighted as a drug dealer has been accidentally caught "red-finned" as he was pulled over for speeding by a mobile aqua speed camera unit.

The offending fish (seen, above, with the mobile unit and their cameras) was flashed doing 46mph in a 30mph zone. However, when the shark was pulled over, the traffic cop noticed a pouch stashed underneath its tail.

The pouch contained several grams of cocaine, blocks of cannabis, and amphetamines. The shark was promptly arrested.

PC Tom Wankbank said: "This really was a lucky catch. We thought we were just giving out another speeding ticket and it turns out that the shark's a drug dealer, possibly selling to baby sharks in the area."

It is thought that the shark obtained the drugs indirectly from notorious druglord, Juan Pablo Dorito, after he and his £50 million yacht, containing more drugs than Lloyds' pharmacy, sank during a bitch of a storm.

This is the traffic cops' first real slice of action in the depths of the ocean since they launched the "Aqua Camera" scheme, which was set up to tap into sealife's unfathomed pockets. The traffic cops place themselves in a secure steel cage and use a special underwater radar camera to flash oncoming fish.

However, most of the potential speeders are a little wiser than initially given credit for.

"Most fish tend to keep below the limit when we're around, thanks to their built-in radar so we don't get much to put toward the Christmas Party fund," Wankbank explained. "The scheme was in danger of being terminated before this drug-bust, so hopefully we can keep it going a little longer."

What do you think of the Aqua Camera scheme? Is the whole campaign worth the fact that a drug dealer is in custody, or is it just another form of stealth tax? Give us a call on 07813 775610.

Go on. You nobs.