Irksome oik drives office worker to suicide

Today, tragedy hangs in the Bradford air like a bad smell following the provoked suicide of a much-loved member of the community.

Nicholas Lewis, 29, threw himself from a fourteenth-floor window at the office where he worked and splattered on the ground in a big mess.

It is thought that the suicide was a direct reaction to the idiotic antics of his fellow worker, Calhoun Bentos (seen, left, being a prick).

Apparently, Bentos, 24, was being a right monkey's cock when Lewis decided he had had enough and launched himself out of the window. According to one witness, the sound Lewis made on contact with the pavement was similiar to that of "diarrhoea hitting the toilet bowl".

Fellow workers reported seeing Bentos perpetually tormenting Lewis by doing such things as acting out the "Not Touching, Can't Get Mad" routine for a full hour, singing Kum Ba Yah in a variety of silly voices, and, more disturbingly, forcing Lewis to smell Bentos' unwashed hands right after the big twat had been for a shit.

Bentos' antics had been reported before but no action was taken, presumably because his father is in charge of the company.

"It's been coming a long time," a fellow worker said. "He's quite simply the biggest twat I've ever met. And I've met Patrick Kielty."

A female colleague voiced her contempt for Bentos, describing his first office party where he stripped naked and ran around the office with his underpants on his head.

"He was just crazy," she explained. "He thought he was being funny, running around with his nob flapping from side to side. But, quite frankly, it was sickening. I hope they finally have the guts to sack him. I don't care if he's the boss' son. Twat!"

Harsh words from his colleagues but one can't help feeling a touch of sympathy for this brainless oik. He obviously has severe mental problems and is quite clearly a social retard.

Someone this awful should be kept well away from anyone with a pulse.

Just look at his picture, for Christ's sake!!