Superman's child falls to death after flying too soon

Billy Superman, son of international hero, Superman, has died after trying to fly before passing his test.

Young Superman, seen, left, in his costume, fell to a screaming death after jumping off his dad’s roof when he mistakenly thought he was ready to fly. He was just weeks away from his fifth birthday.

His iconic father was understandably upset when he stepped outside the house to investigate the terrified shrieks only to see his son’s impression of a dropped pizza.

“I can’t believe little Billy is gone,” Superman said. “He wanted to fly and fight crime so badly. All he cared about was passing his flying test and following in my footsteps.”

Superman’s grieving process was cut short just minutes after being interviewed when he had to go and rescue some badgers that had got mashed on crack and locked themselves in Bernard Manning’s toilet.

Billy had been practising his flying skills for the past few weeks but was eager to experience the sensation of flying – despite only having a handful of lessons.

He then made his way to the top of his father’s four-storey house and flung himself off the top in the vain hope that he’d be able to imitate his famous father.

Police confirmed that there was no alcohol, drugs or Kryptonite in his system.

Superman expert, Chris Cockbox, explained that had Billy been a few years older he would have survived the fall.

“Billy was born on Earth, not Krypton, so his father’s powers would not have immediately transferred into him,” Cockbox said. “It takes time.”

One thing’s for sure – Billy was a thick little fucker. I mean, if you’re not sure whether you can fly, don’t jump off a four-storey building. The ground’s probably a more sensible, and indeed safer, option.

Idiot.

Bakery horror novel to make it to silver screen

British cult horror author, Donald Zygon, is to have one of his many novels brought to life on the big screen.

Eaglestab, the tale of a village bakery terrorised by a phantom bird of prey, is to begin production in late 2007, and Zygon is very excited.

“I’m so pleased that Eaglestab is to be realised in live action film,” Zygon said. “It’s fantastical and vivid, yet cautious and undeniably prophetic; it would suit the silver screen to a T.”

Zygon’s novel, written almost nine years ago, is now his best-selling to date and speculation is rife as to who will play the hero bakery owner, Wally Wimpleton. Recent rumours have suggested that it will be Richard Briers or, failing that, Rodney from Emmerdale. And it’ll probably be the latter because Patrick Mower, who plays Rodney from Emmerdale, is so desperate and deep in financial trouble that he’s trawling all the local pubs and licking piss off the urinals for money.

Whoever plays Wally Wimpleton, the film is almost certain to be a success thanks to its spellbinding plot.

Eaglestab told the story of bakery owner Wimpleton and his battle with the malevolent spirit of a psychotic eagle which attacked the bread shop seemingly arbitrarily. It was eventually revealed that the ghostly bird was trying to get to her dead ghost babies which were buried deep underneath the bakery.

One of the book’s greatest moments is largely considered to be when, just before spectacularly setting fire to the cursed bakery, Wimpleton coolly announces, “This bakery is toast.”

When asked if this immortal line was going to be in the film version, Zygon replied very positively.

“How could I leave that beast of a line out?” Zygon asked. “It’s up there with ‘I’ll be back’ and ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it’.”

Eaglestab is expected for release in early 2009.

Donald Zygon’s latest novel, Shower-Locker Wolfman: Homosexual Horror Love, is out now and available in all good bookshops.

Drug-dealing shark caught red-finned after speeding

A great white shark that moonlighted as a drug dealer has been accidentally caught "red-finned" as he was pulled over for speeding by a mobile aqua speed camera unit.

The offending fish (seen, above, with the mobile unit and their cameras) was flashed doing 46mph in a 30mph zone. However, when the shark was pulled over, the traffic cop noticed a pouch stashed underneath its tail.

The pouch contained several grams of cocaine, blocks of cannabis, and amphetamines. The shark was promptly arrested.

PC Tom Wankbank said: "This really was a lucky catch. We thought we were just giving out another speeding ticket and it turns out that the shark's a drug dealer, possibly selling to baby sharks in the area."

It is thought that the shark obtained the drugs indirectly from notorious druglord, Juan Pablo Dorito, after he and his £50 million yacht, containing more drugs than Lloyds' pharmacy, sank during a bitch of a storm.

This is the traffic cops' first real slice of action in the depths of the ocean since they launched the "Aqua Camera" scheme, which was set up to tap into sealife's unfathomed pockets. The traffic cops place themselves in a secure steel cage and use a special underwater radar camera to flash oncoming fish.

However, most of the potential speeders are a little wiser than initially given credit for.

"Most fish tend to keep below the limit when we're around, thanks to their built-in radar so we don't get much to put toward the Christmas Party fund," Wankbank explained. "The scheme was in danger of being terminated before this drug-bust, so hopefully we can keep it going a little longer."

What do you think of the Aqua Camera scheme? Is the whole campaign worth the fact that a drug dealer is in custody, or is it just another form of stealth tax? Give us a call on 07813 775610.

Go on. You nobs.

Irksome oik drives office worker to suicide

Today, tragedy hangs in the Bradford air like a bad smell following the provoked suicide of a much-loved member of the community.

Nicholas Lewis, 29, threw himself from a fourteenth-floor window at the office where he worked and splattered on the ground in a big mess.

It is thought that the suicide was a direct reaction to the idiotic antics of his fellow worker, Calhoun Bentos (seen, left, being a prick).

Apparently, Bentos, 24, was being a right monkey's cock when Lewis decided he had had enough and launched himself out of the window. According to one witness, the sound Lewis made on contact with the pavement was similiar to that of "diarrhoea hitting the toilet bowl".

Fellow workers reported seeing Bentos perpetually tormenting Lewis by doing such things as acting out the "Not Touching, Can't Get Mad" routine for a full hour, singing Kum Ba Yah in a variety of silly voices, and, more disturbingly, forcing Lewis to smell Bentos' unwashed hands right after the big twat had been for a shit.

Bentos' antics had been reported before but no action was taken, presumably because his father is in charge of the company.

"It's been coming a long time," a fellow worker said. "He's quite simply the biggest twat I've ever met. And I've met Patrick Kielty."

A female colleague voiced her contempt for Bentos, describing his first office party where he stripped naked and ran around the office with his underpants on his head.

"He was just crazy," she explained. "He thought he was being funny, running around with his nob flapping from side to side. But, quite frankly, it was sickening. I hope they finally have the guts to sack him. I don't care if he's the boss' son. Twat!"

Harsh words from his colleagues but one can't help feeling a touch of sympathy for this brainless oik. He obviously has severe mental problems and is quite clearly a social retard.

Someone this awful should be kept well away from anyone with a pulse.

Just look at his picture, for Christ's sake!!

Tangerine furious at being called 'Satsuma' by thick woman

A shocked mother of two is today contemplating life behind bars after a tangerine reported her to police for a vicious verbal attack.

The young tangerine (seen with his buddies, left) claimed that Patricia Hodge, 39, referred to him as a "bloody satsuma" whilst shopping with her husband.

Police later confirmed that the incident was now considered to be a race-hate crime.

"We can't ignore something as serious as this," Det. Inspector Wadsworth explained. "We live in a society that does not tolerate this kind of racial segregation. Mrs. Hodge's remark was very non-PC and extremely thick."

The offended tangerine described how it had been abused racially, and sometimes sexually, and decided that enough was enough.

"For the past couple of weeks, I've put up with people touching me and calling me 'shitty satsuma' and 'f**king mandarin-wannabe' and, quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I'm a pure tangerine and proud of it. People should call me by my rightful name. I will not be subjected to these racial slurs."

When confronted by the press, Mrs. Hodge insisted that she meant no harm.

"I apologise wholeheartedly to the tangerine," she protested. "I sincerely did not realise that it was a tangerine and not a satsuma. I suppose I didn't fully consider the fruit's feelings."

There has been public outcry following the incident, calling for Mrs. Hodge to be "made an example of", though she maintains her stance that she is not a bastard racist.

"Let me just say that I am not one of those xenophobic thugs that you see on the news," she explained. "I am a hard-working mother of two and what I said was a genuine slip of the tongue. I cannot apologise enough."

Mrs. Hodge will learn her fate once the "Tangerine Race-Hate" trial, which starts tomorrow morning, finishes in approximately two weeks.

I think I speak for tangerines everywhere when I say "Fry the bitch! Fry her 'til there's foam coming out her mouth!"

"Tangerines affected by this story can call a free helpline on 0800 555666. Come on, don't suffer in silence.

BeaverBoyz close to split after 'Bumfights' scandal

Hot Dutch trio, The Beaverboyz, are on the verge of an acrimonious split following an enormous fall-out with their manager, Ronald Van Boink. The whole ordeal is undoubtedly linked with the recently published internet pictures showing two of the members participating in 'Bumfighting' - an illegal sport whereby crowds place bets on hopeless tramps as they participate in mortal combat so savage it would make even a gypsy physically sick.

Shamed members CJ, 26, and BJ, 28, were clearly snapped "cheering" the smelly bin-dwellers on as they fought their primal battle to the death. The pair, however, protested their innocence. They claimed that they were there to put a stop to the proceedings and maintained that the cash they held in their palms was there only as an incentive for the tramps to lure them away from the fights.

"We were trying to get the smelly bin-people away from the fighting by waving our sexy money in front of their beards. We were not there for the gambling nor the blood. BJ and I are innocent and sexy," CJ explained. "And if you don't believe me, you can piss on your mother's cock."

Once Van Boink had seen the disgraceful pictures on FunkyWank.net, he called a meeting. Though the exact content of the meeting is unknown, it was confirmed that BJ was ejected from the meeting for calling Van Boink a "fat barrel of monkey spunk".

The other member of the trio, TJ, gave a public address immediately after the volatile meeting. He stated that while The BeaverBoyz were still committed to singing and "making lots of sex with many sexy people", there were considerable doubts over their immediate future.

"I just don't know what's going to happen," TJ emotionally announced. "BJ and CJ have a problem - we can see that. They were once innocent little boys, doing anal with whores of crack and smoking big drugs - now they have slipped off the path. We can bring them back. We must."

Little is known about the future of The BeaverBoyz but if they do manage to stay together, things will almost certainly never be the same again.

The Beaverboyz' new single Funk My Sex is due out on Monday.

TV Highlights Tonight

WILL'S CAMP (Five, 7.30pm)

New Series. (1/6) Brand new sitcom from the makers of Bob The Dog-Bummer about popstar Will Young travelling to a parallel dimension where Nazi concentration camps are a thing of the present.

In this first episode, a bemused Will unwittingly stumbles into the hands of the Nazis after a rip in the space-time continuum occurs when he sings a J note whilst ironing the toaster. Once shackled in the death camp, Will is subjected to horrific, yet comic, near-death beatings. Luckily though, he befriends a kind, weary man named Robot Bill and they immediately decide to hatch a daring (and quite brilliant) escape plan involving 12 feet of rubber tubing, a tub of KY jelly, Bill Oddie's underpants and one HELL of an iron will. However, things don't go according to plan when Robot Bill's pet monkey takes a shine to Will's cock. Mayhem and malarkey ensue as Will frantically tries to evade the horny, little monkey's sword of love.

A treat for the kids from start to finish as relentless torture, vomit-inducing rape and inhumane defiling are all given a slapstick makeover. Fawlty Towers meets the Holocaust.